The Deepest Fears

I feel fear. All the time. A very real fear that most people couldn't understand. I'm sure they don't have a "phobia" named for it yet, but they should. It is a fear of not fitting into a seat or not being approved for an activity because I'm too heavy. It is a real fear of being embarrassed if a chair breaks, or having to step out of a bumper car because I couldn't fasten the seat belt. It is also a fear and avoidance of certain social activities. I never go to pool parties because I would have to wear a swimsuit. It's not that I fear peoples' comments- but their thoughts. I avoid my friends if they want to go horseback riding, because you usually have to be under 250 lbs to participate. It's Friday and I have a flight on Monday for which I am wait-listed for First class because its pretty full. What will I do if I have to squeeze into an economy seat next to a man with broad shoulders? Sometimes my hips spill over the arm rest in the smaller seats and I worry about the person next to me. I cannot believe that it is Friday and I'm already fearing that I won't get that upgrade.

I skipped a kayak trip in Vietnam with my sister because I was afraid that I wouldn't fit in the kayak. I didn't even try.

I want to go to Costa Rica and go zip lining, and to Belize and go scuba diving. Obese people don't do those things, right?

I want to go skiing with my boyfriend but I'm just too afraid of being too big. Too big for the rental bibs, too big to get up when I fall, too big to maneuver in the ways that I'm supposed to.

I'm afraid to wear sleeveless shirts. And shorts. And light-colored pants in general. I pretty much boil in the summer time when my friends get to enjoy the skimpier clothes and be comfortable in their own skin.

I fear a wedding. I don't fear the marriage, but a wedding would mean that I would have to pick out a dress, and sleeved wedding dresses aren't attractive. I also fear the gown-fitting process where the store has a standard size to try on, then order your size once you make a decision. My fear is that I won't even be able to get the sample dress over my body.

I fear getting pregnant because it may be difficult with my weight. I am also afraid to have kids because I may not be able to keep up, or my kids may be embarrassed by my weight.

I fear baseball games and concert halls with small seat that may press my legs up against other people, causing them to squirm and try to hide the look of disgust.

I fear that I won't be successful in my career. Because if I am a failure there, and I've failed to be a healthy person that can actually live a full life, then I'm not accomplishing much of anything.

I fear that this is my life.

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I am 28 years old and 307 pounds. I have been over 250 pounds for all of my teenage and adult years. This blog is about all of the thoughts that I've always wanted to express about being obese, but couldn't express out loud. I hope that readers struggling with their weight can identify with my words and know that they are not alone in their paths. For those not struggling with their weight, I hope you can get a sense for the very real emotions that come along with being obese, and better identify with the overweight friends in your circles. Lastly and possibly most importantly, I want to make improvements in my health so that this isn't my "forever," and would like to use the blog as motivation for myself and others to do just that. Join me for the ride!