Diet vs. Exercise

I've gone to Zumba 3 times this week and feel like positive things are starting to happen.  I'm having fun, feel comfortable in the class and feel energized when I'm done...although I'm usually a little sore!  I have always said that exercise isn't what I need to focus on because losing weight it 80% what you eat and only 20% exercise, but this past week I have started to notice how much the two are interconnected- at least for me.  Doing one inspires you to do the other, and it creates a cyclical motivation that continues to drive the right behavior.  Because I'm working my butt off in Zumba, I want to come back home and eat something healthy.  And because I'm eating healthy, I want to exercise to boost my metabolism and get the most bang for the buck.  It has only been a week, but I can see how exercising and dieting could have a closer to 50/50 relationship in weight loss when you take into account motivation, emotion and self control.

Give it a shot.  Add a little exercise to that diet that you've been trying to keep up, and see if it gives you that little boost of motivation that you needed to keep going.

Cheers,
Savannah

Zumba: The least-shameful option

I took one small step (or a thousand very fast, only somewhat coordinated steps) towards the goal of improving my life yesterday.  Like many other people that struggle with obesity, I not only dislike exercise in general, but I am generally embarrassed by the thought of exercising around of those healthier, sexier people.

Zumba seems to be an exception of sorts.  I love dancing and love the music selection, so it feels a heck of a lot less like exercise than the more presumptuous classes like yoga or kettle bell where the attendees are flexible, over-accomplished and look better in spandex.  Zumba on the other hand, is full of women of all shapes and sizes, some with more coordination than others.  The most intimidating part of the class was the hot instructor who could shake her bottom better than Shakira.  I spent the hour running out of energy quickly but enjoying the music and the moves.  Of course I wasn't getting them all right on my first night, but I was certainly working up a sweat after the first 5 minutes, and that's what matters.  I came home feeling accomplished by taking my first step, and looking forward to the next class.  For all of you strugglers out there, give a Zumba class a shot!

Whispers

I spent the weekend with a couple of friends in Seattle, staying at Dan's house.  Dan and his girlfriend, Kate, are some of the healthiest people I know.  They are both beautiful, sexy people that workout regularly, eat a Paleo diet during the week, and enjoy whatever they want on the weekends.  They live in a city condo that is absolutely gorgeous, travel extensively all year long, and both speak at least 3 languages.  They are intimidating even for other skinny people, but I love them dearly and hanging around them!  We met when we were all living overseas and have many common interests, and now I get to visit occasionally to catch up and relive old times.

This past weekend when I visited, we spent the evening bar-hopping with several of their friends.  I always have to fight that "fat friend" status that I feel inside, and put a confident smile on my face when I go out with them.  We came back exhausted, and I retired to bed pretty quickly, but Dan and his friends stayed up talking.  I went in and out of sleep, but I could hear short pieces of their conversation that are seared into my memory.  They were talking about my weight, how it's gotten worse, etc.  I laid there in the bed wanting to cry...but I never really cry.  Instead I just felt deeply out of place.  Every person on this world struggles with something- a bad relationship with a family member, abuse, low self esteem, addiction, etc. etc.  I have always hated how my "struggle" had to be so visible and available for conversation.  My biggest flaw is also the first thing you see when you look at me.  There's no hiding it, and let's face it- sometimes I just don't fit in with my surroundings.  Hearing people talk about it when they thought I was fast asleep took me back to my time in high school when listening to the comments were a daily routine.  This time, though, they weren't making fun of me, but they were just discussing my oh-so-visible handicap and sharing their mutual pity for me.  Oh, how I hate pity!  I wanted to curl up and disappear under the covers, going to sleep and not waking up until I had lost all of this weight.  Laying there in bed, I vowed yet again to do something about it.   

The Deepest Fears

I feel fear. All the time. A very real fear that most people couldn't understand. I'm sure they don't have a "phobia" named for it yet, but they should. It is a fear of not fitting into a seat or not being approved for an activity because I'm too heavy. It is a real fear of being embarrassed if a chair breaks, or having to step out of a bumper car because I couldn't fasten the seat belt. It is also a fear and avoidance of certain social activities. I never go to pool parties because I would have to wear a swimsuit. It's not that I fear peoples' comments- but their thoughts. I avoid my friends if they want to go horseback riding, because you usually have to be under 250 lbs to participate. It's Friday and I have a flight on Monday for which I am wait-listed for First class because its pretty full. What will I do if I have to squeeze into an economy seat next to a man with broad shoulders? Sometimes my hips spill over the arm rest in the smaller seats and I worry about the person next to me. I cannot believe that it is Friday and I'm already fearing that I won't get that upgrade.

I skipped a kayak trip in Vietnam with my sister because I was afraid that I wouldn't fit in the kayak. I didn't even try.

I want to go to Costa Rica and go zip lining, and to Belize and go scuba diving. Obese people don't do those things, right?

I want to go skiing with my boyfriend but I'm just too afraid of being too big. Too big for the rental bibs, too big to get up when I fall, too big to maneuver in the ways that I'm supposed to.

I'm afraid to wear sleeveless shirts. And shorts. And light-colored pants in general. I pretty much boil in the summer time when my friends get to enjoy the skimpier clothes and be comfortable in their own skin.

I fear a wedding. I don't fear the marriage, but a wedding would mean that I would have to pick out a dress, and sleeved wedding dresses aren't attractive. I also fear the gown-fitting process where the store has a standard size to try on, then order your size once you make a decision. My fear is that I won't even be able to get the sample dress over my body.

I fear getting pregnant because it may be difficult with my weight. I am also afraid to have kids because I may not be able to keep up, or my kids may be embarrassed by my weight.

I fear baseball games and concert halls with small seat that may press my legs up against other people, causing them to squirm and try to hide the look of disgust.

I fear that I won't be successful in my career. Because if I am a failure there, and I've failed to be a healthy person that can actually live a full life, then I'm not accomplishing much of anything.

I fear that this is my life.

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I am 28 years old and 307 pounds. I have been over 250 pounds for all of my teenage and adult years. This blog is about all of the thoughts that I've always wanted to express about being obese, but couldn't express out loud. I hope that readers struggling with their weight can identify with my words and know that they are not alone in their paths. For those not struggling with their weight, I hope you can get a sense for the very real emotions that come along with being obese, and better identify with the overweight friends in your circles. Lastly and possibly most importantly, I want to make improvements in my health so that this isn't my "forever," and would like to use the blog as motivation for myself and others to do just that. Join me for the ride!